Doldrums

Greetings from the doldrums of summer. I'm pretty sure I only have one reader these days because I haven't posted in about 2 months. But that's not a reason to stop, I suppose. Currently I am struggling to overcome the wait for my LDS mission, mostly by working, reading, and wasting time on the internet. My call comes in exactly one week, barring some kind of delay up at headquarters. And even when I do get it, I'll still have at least 3 months before I leave. I work, study for the mission, and sleep.

So that leaves me in this dilemma: What do I do with my remaining time?

Option 1: Play video games. This option is attractive because it requires very little work on my part, and I'm easily entertained, so games won't be a drain. On the other hand, it's terribly dull in the long run, and I get all kinds of grief from my parents. (That's another story)

Option 2: Read books. This option is awesome because I always used to love books, and it gives me a greater depth of culture and imagination. (Trust me, my booklist is good, I'll share it sometime) The issue with this is that I've found it difficult to get into reading as avidly as I once did.

Option 3: Explore the valley by bicycle. Out of all the potential physical activities I can do, biking is by far the most appealing. It can be independent, exhilarating, and less painful than running. I also have a buddy I can ride with, so that's a plus. The disadvantage is that I'm unsure of new routes and I don't want to get injured right before I'm expected to serve.

Of course, I could do all of these things. I don't want to just sort of do these things though, I want to have a good time. I don't want to play the same video game endlessly, I don't want to get stuck in one genre reading books. I also don't want biking to turn into a zealous attempt to "get fit", and ride the same places all the time.

I have other things that use my time, of course. I'm doing some wall construction for a neighbor, and I'm writing 5 current or future missionaries. I work about 30 hours a week. I'm just tired of all me extra time seeping away.

This is all in reflection of course, I'm probably going to carry on just as I have in the past. It's the easy way. But I would hypocritically encourage you, reader, to carpe diem, seize the day. Make someone smile, do something memorable.

Blog dump

I've taken some pictures, I think it's time to post some of them on my blog. Sadly, none of them tell any interesting stories, so scroll past for the good stuff.

Okay, so there were not as many pictures as I thought there was. Time to break out the camera more, I guess. Next time I'll find a more interesting picture to post, and there will probably only be one. These pictures were all taken to and from campus. I've done more interesting things since.

First, I am now single again. (I'm not even sure the readership of this blog was aware I was in a relationship--oh well) It was more painful than any break-up I've had, but that's not saying much. I'm doing quite well, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate me too much. I certainly don't hate her. There were a variety of reasons, but much of it came from the inevitable future where we would live far from each other. 

I now have my bike back! Outside of using it for college transit, I've been to the base of the Y, through 2 miles of the Provo River parkway, and to downtown Provo. Riding down the foothills by the Y was fantastic, and the Provo River parkway really makes me thankful for my mountain bike shocks. I have yet to have any accidents, which I am grateful for. 

I've started to go fencing on Tuesdays with the Rebel Swords Fencing club. I'm pretty bad at it, but it's loads of fun. I have a figure that doesn't exactly fit the normal (I'm tall and thin) so the first time I went, I was a bit late and got the last pickings of club gear. I was basically a bat. My vest felt wider than it was tall, but it was the only one left with good sleeves. I got hit so many times because of my wings. I showed up on time this week, and found a great one that was a pretty good fit. I did get stabbed in the back during a kind of battle royal style of fencing (a game, not an official style) by a good friend. I don't feel too bad about it, cause she won the free-for-all in the end anyways. 

Here's the fan corner topic: Doctor Who. I've been using my former girlfriend's Netflix (with permission) to catch up on season six. If you've never seen it, you have to at least try a few episodes, such as "Blink", "The Empty Children", or "The Eleventh Hour". Then start in on the first season of the 'new' series with the 9th doctor, Christoper Eccleston. 

Rampant constraint

The good new is, I'm getting really good at going to campus on time. The bad news is I'm no better at going to sleep at a decent hour. So today my brain is slightly askew, but I've noticed things I haven't before.

Today as I walked home from campus, I went through a tunnel I hadn't traveled through before, and just went north-west after that, because that's where my apartment is. I took a handful of very short notes in my very small notebook, and they are very cryptic because the notebook is tiny and I can't expound on things when my hands are cold. So here they are, unchanged from my notebook.

Chains complaining

Endless dark hedges

The sidewalk was unfamiliar

Sleep deprived

Sour worms that never 

sweetened

Smell of fast food nose

wrinkling not mouth watering

BYU blue bluer than sky

Hands cold in a familiar

way.

Photographs waiting

Astonishing number of

Apartments

The weight of the mountains

The tiniest cog.

Underground mystery

Black slush chimney

Dance Dance

Danie

The leaves that never fell

Muted chicken tracks

Yeah, I'm pretty much toasted. I'll expand on a few of these snippets of my thoughts in the future, when I'm less tired. I think this was a good exercise in seeing the world a little better, even if the world was far too bright today for my poor eyes. Take a look around, you'll be surprised what you might see. 

Shutdown

Last post (a while ago, I know) I spoke of an uprising, a change in my life. Well, that uprising got shutdown. Change doesn't come that easy, it seems. I'm not doing any worse, I'm still vaguely optimistic about the future. My life's just not quite in order yet.

There's a little saying that goes something like this. Here are three things: 1. School, 2. Social life, 3. Sleep. Welcome to college, pick 2. I don't like this saying, because I think there's a way to have all three, plus, sleep is required. It comes down to time management, and I'm terrible at it. I have a watch and a calendar with all my schoolwork on it, but it doesn't help that much. I'm just not an orderly person, and that's not good. I figure if I can learn to form habits, things will be easier, and I'll get more of what's best. I'll start small. Here we go: Dishes. Wash 'em when I use em. I can do that. This is not a late New Year's resolution, I've already discussed how those are irrational.

I hope I don't become too "grown up" by doing this, but perhaps the 'joy of youth' is the enjoyment of not having to take care of yourself, and if growing up means taking care of myself, I guess that's what I'm trying to do.

Nerd's corner: League of Legends

This game is fantastic, and easily takes up more than 75% of my gaming time. I play it with friends, I play it with automatically found players. It is very fun when you get into it, however, this game is ridiculously addicting, so of course I can't recommend it to anyone who has a schedule like me. It involves strategy, quick hands, teamwork, and a thick skin. It's an online DOTA style game, where you and your team defend your base from the other team (whose win conditions are the same as yours, just opposite bases) You play with others across the internet, and each match lasts about 40 minutes. (Internet people can be vulgar and rude, hence the need for a thick skin.)

I play this game a little too much, so if I disappear randomly from the internet or don't text back for about 40 minutes. It's hard to leave a match, because your team (made up of your friends, usually) is counting on you. There are things worth leaving for. I actually hope to be playing less of this so that I can have more time for study and friends, but that may take some time. I've actually decided to not play after 11pm, just for the sake of sleep.

Uprising

With 16 credit hours here at college, it can be a real challenge to pretend like all of them are interesting. Classes seem to go really well when I think they are interesting, but most of the time, in all honesty, they're quite boring. With that said, I'm doing a pretty good job at pretending, and everything seems to be going well .
My friend's blog talked about his personal revolution, and how he'll be combating his sleep schedule and personal apathy. It inspired me to make my own plan, not a rebellion, but an uprising. These phases represent the things I'm doing to move my revolution forward.

Phase 1- Get 'er done.
I'm a college student, and its about time I started acting more like one. This doesn't mean I'm adopting a schedule, or that I'll never miss a class again, but it does mean I need to start putting classwork on the top of my agenda. You might argue against this philosophy, saying there's more to life than schoolwork, but really, I don't have so much homework that it will eat up all my time.

Phase 2- Carpe diem
I'm an introvert but that isn't an excuse to do nothing with my free time. I do an insane amount of surviving college, but not nearly enough living. I have a friend who's blazing through college, even going to Ireland for some kind of research. I'm trying to find things that I can do that aren't on the path of least resistance, because I want to have awesome things happen to me, and as a soccer coach from years ago told me: "The ball never comes to you, you go to the ball"

Phase 3- Collaboration
I've met tons of wonderful people around college, the internet, and back home. If I want any cool things to be produced by my hands, I'm going to need other hands too. I'm only one person, and I only have one personality, one set of skills. (I can get more, but not all). If you want to make something cool, let me know!

This is the uprising.

And that's a good transition to this new section. I don't know what I'll call it, but its where I tell you one thing  that I enjoy tons: The Uprising album by Muse. Its one of the only albums that I listen to all the way through frequently.

Boring post about my highschool crush

I had a crush in highschool, like many people allegedly do, and I want to tell you about mine. Its not all that interesting, and I was rather pathetic, so if you don't want any of that, feel free to move to your next distraction. (This blog will not devolve into a sappy pedestal for my sappy emotions, I promise) Anyways, this poor girl was pretty, and worse, she was nice. There are plenty of beauty queens in this world, but to find a nice one is rarer. I can resist beauty alone, but my high-school self couldn't handle the combination, apparently. Worst of all, she was completely un-dateable. Her parents wouldn't let her.

This is the part where I look really pathetic: I decided that if I couldn't date her, I would be the best friend possible, and hang out with her whenever there was an opportunity. It was akin to stalking, but we actually interacted, and she was usually appreciative of the company. Usually. Then it all exploded. Of course I was telling one of my closest friends how I felt, and my desire was apparent. This friend is pretty bad at keeping these things to himself, even now, where he slipped up over Skype. This friend told others of my infatuation with this highschool crush, and word spread throughout my junior year.

This rumor progressed to the point where said woman rejected me, even though I had never petitioned her for one. It sucked, and what's worse, she was super nice about it, so I couldn't tell myself: "Well, she's a jerk anyways". She said she couldn't and wouldn't date anyone, and she still wanted to be friends. Then she went to prom with one of her other friends without even telling me beforehand.  That was lame, I was upset for quite some time, but I'm not bitter anymore, at least towards her.

It did leave me changed, and in a way that I think is significant. I'm overly afraid of rejection and being 'friendzoned'. I'm not likely to put myself on the line, even if the outcome looks promising. I know its not smart, in fact, it's quite dumb. To postpone the question of "what kind of friends are we?" either makes the rejection that much worse when it comes (you've spent so much time wondering, its bound to hurt), robs you of the happiness you could have (A relationship without question of validity is better, I think) or the delay causes the degree of attraction to dwindle. Knowing this doesn't make me any less afraid of it.

That's where I come from 'romantically': a pathetic highschooler without a chance, and getting rejected without actually asking for it. I can't say I have any kind of disorder, but I feel like these occurances have shaped my emotional security. It's not a huge deal, and I'm surprised at the length of this post, I hope I didn't bore you.

TL;DR: This is the plan I had for my highschool crush, and it doesn't work. I got rejected without actually asking for it. This is why I'm afraid of asking people out and also why I'm afraid of not asking people out. (xkcd below)

Real people > Famous people you don't know

"Why is it that nobody understands me, yet everybody likes me?"

I have a picture of Albert Einstein on my wall in my room. I never knew Einstein, but what I am familiar with are his quotes, which are quite amazing. Here's a few.

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."
"The heart says yes, but the mind says no."
"A forced faithfulness is a bitter fruit for all concerned."
"With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon."
"Love brings much happiness, much more so than pining for someone brings pain."
"Mere unbelief in a personal God is no philosophy at all."

At this point I was brought away from my blogging for a fairly good reason, that became a very good reason as the time passed. I'm rather unreasonably happy at what happened, and while ol' Al is interesting and inspiring, he's not exactly on my mind right now.

Take chances, keep your head. Don't forget to laugh, it will amplify your joy. Care enough about other people, and you might be surprised at how much they care about you.

Many people have told me recently how awesome I am, and my typical response is that I'm not used to hearing that. I believe that it was a direct result of me reaching out to meet new people, breaking out of loops. I'm not a new person, I've just met new people, and while I'm busy admiring them, they seem to think I'm pretty swell too.

So if life's got you down, find people to share your experiences with. Care about them, and, in my experience at least, they will care about you.