Rampant constraint

The good new is, I'm getting really good at going to campus on time. The bad news is I'm no better at going to sleep at a decent hour. So today my brain is slightly askew, but I've noticed things I haven't before.

Today as I walked home from campus, I went through a tunnel I hadn't traveled through before, and just went north-west after that, because that's where my apartment is. I took a handful of very short notes in my very small notebook, and they are very cryptic because the notebook is tiny and I can't expound on things when my hands are cold. So here they are, unchanged from my notebook.

Chains complaining

Endless dark hedges

The sidewalk was unfamiliar

Sleep deprived

Sour worms that never 

sweetened

Smell of fast food nose

wrinkling not mouth watering

BYU blue bluer than sky

Hands cold in a familiar

way.

Photographs waiting

Astonishing number of

Apartments

The weight of the mountains

The tiniest cog.

Underground mystery

Black slush chimney

Dance Dance

Danie

The leaves that never fell

Muted chicken tracks

Yeah, I'm pretty much toasted. I'll expand on a few of these snippets of my thoughts in the future, when I'm less tired. I think this was a good exercise in seeing the world a little better, even if the world was far too bright today for my poor eyes. Take a look around, you'll be surprised what you might see. 

Shutdown

Last post (a while ago, I know) I spoke of an uprising, a change in my life. Well, that uprising got shutdown. Change doesn't come that easy, it seems. I'm not doing any worse, I'm still vaguely optimistic about the future. My life's just not quite in order yet.

There's a little saying that goes something like this. Here are three things: 1. School, 2. Social life, 3. Sleep. Welcome to college, pick 2. I don't like this saying, because I think there's a way to have all three, plus, sleep is required. It comes down to time management, and I'm terrible at it. I have a watch and a calendar with all my schoolwork on it, but it doesn't help that much. I'm just not an orderly person, and that's not good. I figure if I can learn to form habits, things will be easier, and I'll get more of what's best. I'll start small. Here we go: Dishes. Wash 'em when I use em. I can do that. This is not a late New Year's resolution, I've already discussed how those are irrational.

I hope I don't become too "grown up" by doing this, but perhaps the 'joy of youth' is the enjoyment of not having to take care of yourself, and if growing up means taking care of myself, I guess that's what I'm trying to do.

Nerd's corner: League of Legends

This game is fantastic, and easily takes up more than 75% of my gaming time. I play it with friends, I play it with automatically found players. It is very fun when you get into it, however, this game is ridiculously addicting, so of course I can't recommend it to anyone who has a schedule like me. It involves strategy, quick hands, teamwork, and a thick skin. It's an online DOTA style game, where you and your team defend your base from the other team (whose win conditions are the same as yours, just opposite bases) You play with others across the internet, and each match lasts about 40 minutes. (Internet people can be vulgar and rude, hence the need for a thick skin.)

I play this game a little too much, so if I disappear randomly from the internet or don't text back for about 40 minutes. It's hard to leave a match, because your team (made up of your friends, usually) is counting on you. There are things worth leaving for. I actually hope to be playing less of this so that I can have more time for study and friends, but that may take some time. I've actually decided to not play after 11pm, just for the sake of sleep.

Uprising

With 16 credit hours here at college, it can be a real challenge to pretend like all of them are interesting. Classes seem to go really well when I think they are interesting, but most of the time, in all honesty, they're quite boring. With that said, I'm doing a pretty good job at pretending, and everything seems to be going well .
My friend's blog talked about his personal revolution, and how he'll be combating his sleep schedule and personal apathy. It inspired me to make my own plan, not a rebellion, but an uprising. These phases represent the things I'm doing to move my revolution forward.

Phase 1- Get 'er done.
I'm a college student, and its about time I started acting more like one. This doesn't mean I'm adopting a schedule, or that I'll never miss a class again, but it does mean I need to start putting classwork on the top of my agenda. You might argue against this philosophy, saying there's more to life than schoolwork, but really, I don't have so much homework that it will eat up all my time.

Phase 2- Carpe diem
I'm an introvert but that isn't an excuse to do nothing with my free time. I do an insane amount of surviving college, but not nearly enough living. I have a friend who's blazing through college, even going to Ireland for some kind of research. I'm trying to find things that I can do that aren't on the path of least resistance, because I want to have awesome things happen to me, and as a soccer coach from years ago told me: "The ball never comes to you, you go to the ball"

Phase 3- Collaboration
I've met tons of wonderful people around college, the internet, and back home. If I want any cool things to be produced by my hands, I'm going to need other hands too. I'm only one person, and I only have one personality, one set of skills. (I can get more, but not all). If you want to make something cool, let me know!

This is the uprising.

And that's a good transition to this new section. I don't know what I'll call it, but its where I tell you one thing  that I enjoy tons: The Uprising album by Muse. Its one of the only albums that I listen to all the way through frequently.

Boring post about my highschool crush

I had a crush in highschool, like many people allegedly do, and I want to tell you about mine. Its not all that interesting, and I was rather pathetic, so if you don't want any of that, feel free to move to your next distraction. (This blog will not devolve into a sappy pedestal for my sappy emotions, I promise) Anyways, this poor girl was pretty, and worse, she was nice. There are plenty of beauty queens in this world, but to find a nice one is rarer. I can resist beauty alone, but my high-school self couldn't handle the combination, apparently. Worst of all, she was completely un-dateable. Her parents wouldn't let her.

This is the part where I look really pathetic: I decided that if I couldn't date her, I would be the best friend possible, and hang out with her whenever there was an opportunity. It was akin to stalking, but we actually interacted, and she was usually appreciative of the company. Usually. Then it all exploded. Of course I was telling one of my closest friends how I felt, and my desire was apparent. This friend is pretty bad at keeping these things to himself, even now, where he slipped up over Skype. This friend told others of my infatuation with this highschool crush, and word spread throughout my junior year.

This rumor progressed to the point where said woman rejected me, even though I had never petitioned her for one. It sucked, and what's worse, she was super nice about it, so I couldn't tell myself: "Well, she's a jerk anyways". She said she couldn't and wouldn't date anyone, and she still wanted to be friends. Then she went to prom with one of her other friends without even telling me beforehand.  That was lame, I was upset for quite some time, but I'm not bitter anymore, at least towards her.

It did leave me changed, and in a way that I think is significant. I'm overly afraid of rejection and being 'friendzoned'. I'm not likely to put myself on the line, even if the outcome looks promising. I know its not smart, in fact, it's quite dumb. To postpone the question of "what kind of friends are we?" either makes the rejection that much worse when it comes (you've spent so much time wondering, its bound to hurt), robs you of the happiness you could have (A relationship without question of validity is better, I think) or the delay causes the degree of attraction to dwindle. Knowing this doesn't make me any less afraid of it.

That's where I come from 'romantically': a pathetic highschooler without a chance, and getting rejected without actually asking for it. I can't say I have any kind of disorder, but I feel like these occurances have shaped my emotional security. It's not a huge deal, and I'm surprised at the length of this post, I hope I didn't bore you.

TL;DR: This is the plan I had for my highschool crush, and it doesn't work. I got rejected without actually asking for it. This is why I'm afraid of asking people out and also why I'm afraid of not asking people out. (xkcd below)

Real people > Famous people you don't know

"Why is it that nobody understands me, yet everybody likes me?"

I have a picture of Albert Einstein on my wall in my room. I never knew Einstein, but what I am familiar with are his quotes, which are quite amazing. Here's a few.

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."
"The heart says yes, but the mind says no."
"A forced faithfulness is a bitter fruit for all concerned."
"With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon."
"Love brings much happiness, much more so than pining for someone brings pain."
"Mere unbelief in a personal God is no philosophy at all."

At this point I was brought away from my blogging for a fairly good reason, that became a very good reason as the time passed. I'm rather unreasonably happy at what happened, and while ol' Al is interesting and inspiring, he's not exactly on my mind right now.

Take chances, keep your head. Don't forget to laugh, it will amplify your joy. Care enough about other people, and you might be surprised at how much they care about you.

Many people have told me recently how awesome I am, and my typical response is that I'm not used to hearing that. I believe that it was a direct result of me reaching out to meet new people, breaking out of loops. I'm not a new person, I've just met new people, and while I'm busy admiring them, they seem to think I'm pretty swell too.

So if life's got you down, find people to share your experiences with. Care about them, and, in my experience at least, they will care about you.

Loops

Loops are useful in programming, they let you repeat algorithms to find  a desired results, and many other things, I'm sure. Loops aren't so great in life though. Mostly in the "stuck in a rut" sense. Like that thing I do where I get on Facebook and scroll endlessly like a broken machine that has no "end" function. Or when I get stuck in a League kick. Even homework-y, studious loops can wear me out, which isn't good. Getting stuck in loops is generally bad, and I might just steal from xkcd and make not getting stuck in loops my post-new year's resolution. (xkcd is awesome, see 1154 for the inspiration)

No, not those kind of loops.

Here's a quote from my CS instructor about loops on the first day of class. "... and if you do end up praying in C++, NO LOOPS". I like this quote, and I think it came from a certain scripture, where the Zoramites gave the same prayer over and over about how much cooler they were than everyone. I don't care what your religious views are, as long as you don't go on and on about how much better, smarter, cooler you are because of your group of people that you belong to. Just sayin'.

I think I'm going to add a music section here, right now. Because I can't stop listening to Muse. Specifically Uprising, The Resistance, and United States of Eurasia. According to Wikipedia, Muse is a mix of space rock, alt rock, progressive rock, classical, heavy metal, and electronica. It seems there's a little something for everyone, but I just call it awesome.

Its currently 11:11. I refuse to make a wish.

New semester is moving along nicely, I'm a little sick, but hey, its January. I hope that this blog becomes a loop, but like the rest of my loops, I hope they get broken sometimes, so don't expect too much consistency. Another point about breaking loops: It doesn't always end well. A few days ago, I decided to break the loop of my sleeping time. I went on a spontaneous adventure with some Nerdfighters and stayed out 'til two listening to one of them complain about college and roomates for hours and playing hungry hungry hippos. That game was better when you were 5, trust me. I still value the principle of breaking loops and I accept the consequences associated. (missing some of my classes, with surprisingly little consquences. In addition, I was super sick that day anyways)

Next time: Albert Einstein and why I might have a poster of him in my room.

Of College and Geysers

So, before today, I was pretty excited about the upcoming semester. It was one of those feelings where I felt on top of the world, ready to face the new semester. But when it comes to challenging things (yes, college is challenging) those feelings tend to wear off pretty quickly. Persistence is much better than temporary zeal. Here, I'll relate an analogy that represents this idea.

2 summers ago, I went to Yellowstone National Park. It has many geysers, the most famous being Old Faithful. But it isn't Yellowstone's highest geyser. It only shoots about 100 feet into the air. In comparison, the Steamboat Geyser can reach nearly 400 feet. Why is Old Faithful so notorious then? The answer lies in its name: Old Faithful erupts many times a day, in a consistent schedule. The Steamboat Geyser last erupted many years ago, and has had several minor (30ish feet) eruptions, but nothing consistent or magnificent.

Those are full grown trees

These are full grown people

The moral of the story is to be consistent day to day. Its not important to be amazing once in a while, or even your best every day. It's important to keep going and never give up, and that's what I hope that this semester can be like. The initial anticipation I had wore off, but I hope to be just like Old Faithful: Reliable and consistent.